


Which way to heaven?

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-02
Updated: 2006-04-02
Packaged: 2018-12-27 10:42:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12079452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Whisper what I need, something pretty.





	Which way to heaven?

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: Another short little standalone while I work on my series.  
Just a question, does it always take 2 or more days for a series chapter to update? I've been waiting and nothing yet.  


* * *

_I'll say it straight and plain._  
I know I've made mistakes.  
I've always been afraid. 

I'm still afraid. Terrified that if I knock on your door, you'll laugh at me and turn me away. Perhaps I really am 'just a friend' to you, perhaps you use me because it's so easy, because you never have to try.Because I'm yours, and you know that however you want to use me, I'll never leave you. Because the truth is, if you don't use me, nobody else will. I'm hopeless with you, and without you, so how can I win? It's more about losing than winning anyway. Because if I lost you, I don't quite know what I'd do with myself. And isn't that just pathetic, a grown man periless to your charm, completely addicted to everything about you, the way you move, speak, smile, laugh, look, act. I'm not a teenager, but I still get those nauseous butterflies in my stomach everytime I see you, talk to you, touch you. Look at me, I'm a drunken idiot with a childish crush on a perfect, beautiful, talented celebrity. Just like all the other guys around this fucking place who fall to your feet. But I'm so lucky, because I know you, and you appreciate me as a friend, and even as more when you feel like it. 

I've turned you away before because I've not understood what game you were playing. I was sick of feeling tortured, punished for caring about you too much. It's frightening to wake up one day and actually think about somebody other than myself. Think about you, and what you were up to, if you were safe, and if I ever crossed your mind. I was carefree and happy once. I wasn't this highly strung and I certainly didn't worry about never finding somebody to love me back. I had more than enough male attention and I revelled in it, but it's cruel irony that the only thing I want now is the one thing that keeps running from me. If you don't care, just tell me, because that doesn't mean I'm going to ever turn away from you again. Use me all you want, I'm lost if you don't show me the way.

_A thousands nights or more._  
I travel east and north.  
Please answer the door. 

I've travelled all this way, in the hope that we would talk, and I would get to see those beautiful eyes and lose myself in their depth. It's so worth it, and I feel myself getting giddy as soon as I see you, you whisking me inside the cold, winter night and setting me down by the fire with a warm shot of brandy. I've missed you, I've missed us sitting in complete silence, just enjoying each others company. Three words are all I want. It's not much, but it would mean the world to me. I won't ask you, you need to tell me. I guess I'm stubborn like that. I just want you to admit that you do care, that I am important to you and you don't want to let me go. Please god, tell me, because each time this happens a little more of my heart falls away. 

I'll repeat, it's all I want. You'd make all my dreams come true, if you asked me that simple question. The look in my eyes must give it away, they must be so desperate and so trusting and so innocent.

"Stay the night?" You know I can't believe you said it, yet you say it like you've said it many times before. We both know that's not true. That the moment you're through with me, you pretend like nothing happened and make about your business. I don't exist, and those moments are the most painful. I beat myself up for being so stupid, for believing your lies and losing all sanity in your kisses, your scent, the friction of you against me. It isn't fair, but I suppose life isn't. It throws us these nasty curveballs, to see how we can respond.

Well, I happen to think I've been doing damn well. Especially since it seems to pay off.

_Can you tell me?_  
You say that love goes anywhere.  
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there.  
When you go, I'll let you be.  
But you're killing everything in me. 

People think you're vain, but you go unfazed, so modest, so warm, so gentle on these occassions. I'm the one that's meant to feel like a king, I'm the one who receives all the splendour. Your scent lingers on me like perfect memories that are a crime to wash away. Sticky, filthy heat exudes from us and I expect you to throw my jeans at my feet, but then I remember that you said today would be different. And it is, because it's rare that you lean over so delicately to kiss me, the taste of you still sinfully evident on my kiss-swollen lips. 

You never kiss me unless you're after something, and I wonder what else I can give to you. If you want more, I'm sorry but I haven't got anything. You took all of me a long time ago. So intoxicating, I can't bear to let you go, and I feel like if you break this kiss my heart will stop. You're breathing life back into me with every touch, every gaze, every smile. And I long for that, I long for that completeness that you give me when we're together. If I'm in your arms, I know that there's nowhere higher, deeper, better than where I am and I'm content.

_Get down on your knees._  
Whisper what I need,  
Something pretty. 

I stay the night more than once, and the kisses become more frequent, as does the adorable way you fall asleep half-lying in my lap after we watch a movie. We make love and it actually feels like something to you now. I don't expect the door to close in my face, and I'm not afraid of you, of this, of us. I'm never going to run, even if it never is quite perfect like I see in my head. As long as you want me, and need me, and enjoy my company, then you'll have trouble getting me to leave your life.

I love you, and tell you this. I don't want it back, I don't need anything. You just grin, and kiss the crease of my smile, resting your forehead against my shoulder and absently tracing the logo on my t-shirt. I don't want to pressure you but I knew it was the right time to tell you because I'm comfortable with this. What is the point of pretending when I knew full well that I'm madly in love with you?

"Stay the night" You say, this time more of a statement than a question because you're certain what my responce will be. Your lips curve into a cheeky smirk and I have the greatest urge to jump on you and kiss you for being so delicious. "Stay with me, and..." You continue, snaking a hand around my waist and pressing my figure up against the wall, giving you full opportunity to do whatever you desire. But you just kiss me sweetly, and smile, and blush almost when I ask you to continue. Surely not. You just don't do embarassment. 

Damn you for taking my breath away so easily because I promptly forget you ever said something when you continue to do those things with your tongue that I swear are illegal in several countries.

_I feel that when I'm gone._  
I'll look at you and know,  
The world was beautiful. 

"Stay with you, and what?" I ask again, hours later and when I'm lying on my side, just watching you, the way your chest rises evenly to match your breathing. I can't help but notice how your lips play with a smile, almost like they're not sure how to use it. "And what? Just tell me." You look at me with those big, luscious doe-eyes and have never looked more vunerable.

"...Don't leave."


End file.
